Talking about creating goals and actually doing it are two very different things. If we aren’t invested we are less likely to follow through. Setting goals regarding subjects we are educated in and relate to is easy. Being aware of pros, cons and a personal why makes the process straight forward. In contrast it is challenging to set goals for or with someone else, specifically our children. Being successful depends on their mindset and attitude. Additionally, we must educate ourselves on the subject or situation of interest to be of assistance. We need to look at a challenge or life experience through our children’s eyes.
Lets walk through an example to see how we can set goals with our children.
Example:
Your child received a new video game for Christmas or their birthday. Maybe they saved money and purchased it. The anticipation had been building for weeks or months waiting for it’s release. Over the last few days they’ve turned on the game only to mumble under their breath, or release agonizing groans from your living room. Next thing you know they are back playing <insert your child’s go to game here>. When asked about their new game they say, “I hate it!” or “uhhh I don’t want to play that!”
It’s natural as a parent to become stuck at this moment. We see a few behaviours we don’t love. Complaints, an ungrateful heart, wastefulness and a defeated spirit lead us to view the new game and gaming experience as an unnecessary pastime. Pausing to look deeper we can see their response may be masking other emotions. “I hate it”, may in fact stem from a feeling of inadequacy or confusion. They cannot vocalize that the game is too hard and they aren't making progress.
We don’t want to approach goal setting from a negative stance, so taking a step back we can see the possibilities for growth in this situation. We want to encourage perseverance, the ability to ask for help, problem solving and resourcefulness. With these in mind we can sit down and ask what exactly they don’t like about the game or situation. Helping to identify the real issue provides a specific starting point for setting a goal.
If you game, you are a step ahead. You likely can answer any questions that arise and trouble shoot the struggles your child faces. Be aware of your roll in the process and avoid taking over. Let them work through the situation and be available to help as needed. If you don’t game, fear not. There are plenty of amazing resources available to help you help them. <Looking for inspiration? Check out Resources for Non Gaming Parents>
After chatting and possibly by observing them play, together you identify the problem.
---> It's too hard to beat the level and they keep dying.
Let's Set a Goal:
Method - 5 W’s and a H
Check out How to Set Goals With Children for further details
Who
Remember we want the goal to be personalized, help draw attention to your child's wants or needs.
<<Insert your child’s name>>
What
Your initial conversation will likely identify the challenge and desired outcome (the What). It might take a little longer for your child to acknowledge it. Do not press the issue while they are experiencing any big emotions. Casually ask questions to help reveal their true need. If you do not game, now would be the time to look up a few resources related to the topic. You don’t need to be an expert, but referencing characters, battles and challenges will encourage your child to open up about any road blocks they’ve hit.
For example you can ask
- What part of the game have you reached?
- Have you seen <insert game specific character/item/location>?
- Do you know how to <unlock/defeat/find/build>?
- Did your friend give you any tips to <survive/level up/solve>?
Once you’ve discussed the topic and affirmed their interest in achieving a specific goal, have them say it.
“I want to beat level three in _______”
"I want to defeat the boss"
"I want to mine enough ____ to build ___"
When
If you know how long a task will take feel free to be specific, but provide a buffer. Even if someone states something can be beaten in 30 minutes it might take longer. We want our kids to feel successful in achieving their goal.
“I will play during my set video game/screen time”
“I will beat level one this weekend”
"I will collect x amount of gold today."
Where
Identify the physical location in which the goal applies or where they can locate resources to answer questions and find tips.
“My living room”
“Watching a youtube video” (parent selected and approved)
“Reading a How To Guide” (identify books or approved websites)
Why
Remember this is their why. Focus on what will keep them interested in achieving the goal.
“I want to play Mario Rabbid Kingdom.”
“I like video games.”
“I want to catch up to Joey so we can talk about it”
“Jill said the game was really fun.”
Parents our why might be
“I want them to know they are capable.”
“I want them to feel a sense of accomplishment after working through their problem”
— it’s ok to identify these for ourselves. If we want to draw attention to the characteristics being developed we can use key words to encourage our children throughout the process. Such as
“Good work sticking with the game even though it was difficult.”
“You must feel a great sense of accomplishment beating something that seemed impossible.”
“Way to be patient! That boss took a lot of damage before you beat him.”
How
Brainstorm and ask questions to help your child create a plan.
Questions you can ask include
- What do you need to do beat the level?
- Is there something we’re missing?
- Are there any books or other resources we can look at?
- Can we play it together? (If you don’t game try not to be intimidated by this. Your children can teach you the basics. No matter your ability they will love having the company and encouragement.
Their how might sound like
“I will make a list of questions and research them with mom or dad.”
“I will watch a walk through of the level with mom/dad.”
“I will let mom/dad play with me and see if we can make progress.”
For goals related to Gaming and building positive habits check out Collaborative Goals for Parents and Kids: Part 2
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