Gaming is a sensitive subject for many families. Parenting in a media focused world means navigating screen time challenges everyday. Finding a balance and learning appropriate boundaries can be daunting. How do we address these realities with our children? One way is by utilizing goals. Now if I let my son create a screen time goal it would likely be to play as much as possible everyday. Obviously, that isn’t our hope for them. Broaching the subject of screen time with goal setting opens the door for us as parents to educate our children. We know a healthy balance of activity and screens is important. In fact maintaining a healthy balance with any hobby is important. We want to get our priorities right. We want to prepare our children to navigate screens safely and responsibly.
If we find ourselves struggling to manage screen time or it often ends in tears or yelling (from either party) we need to step back and reassess. Screen time doesn’t need to be a battle. We need to know what we are dealing with and address the source of the struggle. It may shock us to consider the problem isn’t with the screen or game, but a natural struggle in our human nature. By no means am I excusing the behaviours that arise from too much game time and the reality of over indulging in media. There are many valid concerns and consequences to this. I am suggesting we consider the entire picture. Can we approach these challenges with a fresh perspective? Are we able to educate our children and work with them, developing skills to navigate screens and media without dismissing their value and creating a power struggle?
Let’s pause and consider our children and their screen-time management.
—> How do our children use their screen time?
—> What are they watching or playing?
—> When and for how long do they use screens?
—> Have we played the game, watched the show or used the app?
Collaborating requires us to understand our children’s experience. Often we want to set limits and enforce them without stopping to consider how they unfold in reality. We can value respect and obedience, while encouraging self-regulation and independence.
Example:
Lets say you are comfortable with your child having 1 or 2 hours of screen time. Everyday you encounter the same problem. Calling from the kitchen you say, “time to shut off”.
Silence. Hum you know they’re in there playing. You heard them yelling, cheering and jumping just moments before. Again you call, “it’s time to turn off.” This time you hear a muffled “un hun, ok”.
Still no controllers rattling as they’re set on the table. No feet exiting the room. Patiently you give them one more moment. You do this day after day. Now it’s really time, you need to leave for swimming or should have, five minutes ago. Standing in the doorway, you raise your voice, “I said shut it off now, or I will shut it off for you!”.
“NOOOO!!! We aren’t done. I still need too…”. The words trail off and the screen still flashes. You are no longer in the mood to wait and say, “Thats it, if you don’t shut off, no games for a week!”
“Uhh!!!! I hate you!!!”. The floor shakes as they stomp off and feelings of defeat flood over you.
Was that a parenting win? It never felt like one to me.
At first glance the problem might appear to be disobedience or disrespect, but there is usually more to the story. Maybe we didn’t discuss and agree on a shut of time. Again you might think they still should have shut off, which is fair. Yet, our expectation is one sided. We aren’t addressing what they are experiencing or what is going through their mind. This can result in future communication hurdles. Maybe we both agreed to 30 minutes of screen time, but the time frame had nothing to do with the game they were playing. It had nothing to do with the boss fight they were in, or the course they were half way through. They were engaged in an activity and the expectation was they would just drop what they were doing. The situation resulted in feelings of failure and hurt. As parents we need to be educated about games, screens and media, to inform the boundaries we set and enforce.
<If your curious about matching screen time limits to the game check out my post here > or download my Quick Guide to Screen Time Limits For Popular Games
Set the Goal:
Let’s break this situation down step by step to formulate a goal that works.
Who
Parent and child. This goal is collaborative. It will involve both parties working towards a positive outcome.
<<Insert your child’s name>>
<<Insert your name>>
What
You’ve likely already identified how long your comfortable with screens being used. Now it’s time to share this with your child or re share if you’ve already discussed limits in the past. Try to keep it simple. Share how you would like screen time to be enjoyed and then listen to what they want. Use this opportunity to deepen your understanding of their experience. Ask questions about the games being played. Understanding which circumstances within a game create a sense of stress (being in the middle of a battle) or urgency (on a timed course or attempting to complete a certain task) can highlight roadblocks to achieving the goal.
For example you might say
“Maintain screen time of 1 hour.”
“Shut off when I tell you to.”
Or ask,
“Why won’t you shut off when the timer goes?”
“What is happening in your game that makes your feel like you cannot stop playing?”
“Do you know how to save or when the game saves automatically?”
When
Be specific. Consistency and clear expectations will help both of you stick to the plan. You might agree on a set time for everyday or a different limit on different days. You know what is reasonable for your child based on their age, personality and interests.
“On school days you will have 1 hour of screen time after homework is done.”
“Screens will be shut off an hour before bed everyday.”
“On weekend and holidays you will be able to play as much as you’d like. If we have plans screens will be shut off 30 minutes prior to leaving or guests arriving.”
Where
Identify the physical location in which they will use screens and where they can find or set reminders about time limits.
“Screens will be used on the main floor of our home.”
“I (parent) will come into the room to remind you to shut off. I will not call from upstairs or in the kitchen.”
“I (child) will set the kitchen time for 55 minutes. It will act as a warning. Then I will complete my current task or finish the battle I am in.”
Why
Collaborating requires agreement in each step, but our “why” will likely differ. Your child probably isn’t eagerly setting this goal because they want less screen time or limits. Similarly, as parents you probably aren’t desperate for them to play more or master the latest app. Our ‘why’ can and likely will be different, take time to identify both.
Your child might think,
“I want to play games without being interrupted”
“I want to enjoy screen time without fear of losing it in the future.”
Parents our why might be,
“I want to build healthy screen time habits in our home.”
“I don’t want to have a fight every time screens are used.”
“I don’t want to feel guilty if I let them use their tablet so that I can have a break.”
How
Every other step might look pretty easy, but this one takes a bit of work. Most of which is going to fall on us as parents. Our children need to be open to improving the situation, but we need to provide the tips, tricks and tools to do so. This is our chance to encourage and educate. Despite the skills they display when scrolling on their tablet or navigating a gaming console, they’re still learning. When outlining our “how” we must target the skills we hope to develop. Listen carefully to your child’s why. Identify a ‘how’ to address any knowledge gaps you have and answer any concerns your child mentions.
For example,
—> Your child fears that he/she will lose progress if they shut the television off mid adventure.
You can confirm the game will not be lost if they exit mid scene by searching the web.
Your child may need to hear the facts and trial exiting a game to feel confident that progress will not be lost. Be aware you may need to be address this particular concern each time they play a new game.
—> Your child feels anxious while battling a boss and is upset when they need to shut off.
Watching YouTube videos will better your understanding of the game and help you identify non-stress stopping points. Commit to asking or checking to see what is happening in your child’s game before enforcing a shut off time. We are able to demonstrate respect by taking their feelings into account.
Picture yourself in a high stress situation. Maybe the conversation you were having took a turn. A friend shared something emotional or somebody said the wrong thing. Experiencing sad, mad or anxious feelings makes walking away without another word difficult. The problem would be unresolved and you would carry an uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach. Similarly, if our child is worked up and engaged in a stressful scene, immediately shutting off will result in those emotions being carried into their next interactions. Allowing high stress events to be resolved can encourage a smoother transition after screen use.
Or
We can provide support and education if our children are anxious because they don’t know what happens when they fail or die in the game. Together we can look at game walk throughs or google need to know questions (ex. Will I lose all my money if I die? Will I start back at the beginning of this level or the beginning of the battle?). This is a great opportunity to discuss the importance of using words to voice concerns in the moment instead of ignoring your request.
“I (child) will tell mom/dad what is happening in the game if I feel like I cannot shut off.”
“I (parent) will play or watch my child play to see first hand what moments are difficult to immediately shut off during. Then we will discuss and identify acceptable stopping points”
“I (child) will set a timer”
Managing screens requires regular attention. Being present and involved every step of the way isn’t always practical. Providing our children with the skills and habits to help make informed choices is worth our time. Considering how screens should be viewed and how they are used can help us build strong, self-regulating individuals. We are a faith driven home and believe God deserves the number one place in our hearts and homes. Prayerfully approaching screen time concerns and chatting openly with our children allows us to navigate and educate on the benefits and temptations of technology.
Comments